Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one