When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?