[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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Sniffing the broccoli
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
smartest karate player in the world
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.