Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
knights of the ikea table
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war