I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
How times have changed.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.