Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place