older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
drew a comic about my origin story
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!