[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.