I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
“i miss shittin on people”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Not recommended for beginners.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I saw nothing
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.