I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”