There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]