Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
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Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.