Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.