“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I told my vodka about you.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.