Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”