The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes