VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.