Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.