‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Dishonest mechanic?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.