Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Skills
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”