It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
O Wise One….
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too