Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Stop it! 😂
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”