As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You Might Also Like
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*