People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.