“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW