I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
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I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.