Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
You Might Also Like
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”