A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
You Might Also Like
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
When can I start eating bats again.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes