Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.