[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?