At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
He’s dead
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.