Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*