[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
tell em, edith-anne
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
