people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
You Might Also Like
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Stop sending me this shit.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.