I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
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(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
is this store having a stroke wtf
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.