Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.