People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever