You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Always
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?