Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?