People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision