Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
You Might Also Like
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?