My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
the last thing a carrot sees
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
no!! no!!!!!!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat