PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
This is a true ally.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him