My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy