A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.