Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
oh you wanna fight?!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Nose
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Wait for it
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.