Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
You Might Also Like
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?