That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want