My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭