Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me when someone tries to get to know me
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
spicy snake
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”